Why so slow?
Rather than fitting into the category of ranting, this realm of discontent needs its own special place. One cannot escape it. If you are in male company you will be subjected to it with so much regularity you might very well be unaware of its existence.
You will find it around the water-coolers, in the gym, around the braai/barbeque – it is everywhere Jerry, everywhere! One-upmanship. This rather unique name refers to the basic mentality of ‘anything you can do, I can and have done better’. Once you catch onto the culprits, the contexts, you will see it manifest its dirty little insecure presence in all your interactions.
Some examples you shout?
Around the braai/barbeque, rugby on in the background, cold beer in hand, men to the left, men to the right.
Man1: So the missus reckons you guys motored down to Joburg?
Man2: Ja, was a good trip hey.
Man3: How long did it take?
Me: (Internal monologue) save me from this impending fucking hideousness.
Man2: No look it took about 4 hours bru, we were motoring hey.
Man1: (A lot of rocking on heels and toes, grabbing at waist, looking around patronisingly- thinking, I have the one-up ) Jeez, 4 hours bugger. You run out of petrol on the way?
Man3: (Laughing loudly, rocking on heels and toes): Fuck hey, were you driving backwards, was the missus driving. (Suddenly sensing the time to one-up, his tone changes to seriousness). Last summer we took the Jetta and did that drive in 3 hours.
Man2: (Needing to save face): No look hey we took 4 hours, but you know the missus, we had to stop every fucking 5kms!
(Rocking on heels and toes, he clutches his beer tighter as a little bit more of his soul dies. I made fun of my wife, but at least the guys don’t think I am a slow driver. Or do they?)
Come on China, Durban to Joburg should take no more than 2.5 hours bru, who stops for toll gates anymore anyway
It’s hard to find a nation with bigger egos than the South African Male loaded on Brandy, Braai and Bullshit. Thank god the weather is good otherwise what would we have left?
Haha! It’s at least a source of entertainment for the rest of us.
Wow, you guys really talk like that… I thought you were just messing with all of us when you did the accent. I would respond to that type of comment with a lecture about safe driving habits, and the importance of being cautious when on the road. Then throw a lightening-fast elbow to the nose. That teaches people that you are way too hardcore to argue about petty stuff like who can apply more pressure to a gas pedal. Try it next time, especially if they guy is a lot bigger than you.
In this situation I wish I could say, “You know if you drive that fast you could easily kill someone.” Then I would stare him down. The one-upman doesn’t know whether to go on the attack, emasculate, be proud of his antics or to just grin and nod. He hesitates, unsure of what he should make of me. For the rest of the evening he avoids me, trying to make clear his superiority and contempt through indirect means. I just gaze at him placidly, letting him know that i see through him, see him for what he is.
But in reality I would probably just say, “Ja fuck hey. Ha ha!”